Voice

I've been putting off writing again. My thoughts are a big mess. I have no idea what I want to say, but I'm just going to write and hope that the words come out the way they're supposed to. I've thought a lot about what to write in the past little while. But I kept putting off actually doing it. Don't know why. I can't even explain the feeling that I have right now.
I've been thinking, this blog is the only way I have a voice. At school I can talk, but no one cares. No one listens. If I tried getting up in front of a crowd and speaking with such passion that I imagine myself speaking with, it wouldn't work. I'd stutter, and be embarrassed and completely forget what I was going to say. But, oh I can imagine speaking in front of a crowd. With passion. Burning passion. No mistakes, and people just listening. Taking it all in. I wish I could do that. I know that I could make a difference with my words. But yet, this is the only way I have a voice. Honestly, I feel trapped inside myself. I have a million thoughts just screaming to get out when I'm around people, and I know what I want to say, but I can't find the words to say it. This is a problem. It has been for a while.
I feel like shrinking and hiding from the rest of the world because I feel that my words aren't being heard. That's why I like talking to God. When I talk to him I feel like he's actually listening to me. And when he asks me how I'm doing, he's actually asking me how I'm doing. He's not just trying to start a conversation, he actually wants to know. What happened?! Why is it, that when we ask someone "How are you?" that we expect them to say "Good." no matter what? What if they're not good? What if they're hurting, and we just brush by them? Unaware. Not caring. What if all that person wants is to be heard and loved? It's so simple! If we can't listen to them, and show them love, then what can we do? Those are two of the most simple things on earth! All you have to do, is shut your mouth, and open your heart.
You know, it's not all the time, but sometimes when I pray, when I'm really hurting, I can feel God's presence. He's there, with me. He wants to be there for me. He's the only one that would come be with me at the drop of a hat when I need him. Why do we search and search and search for people who will listen and be with us when we're hurting, when we already have it. Man, God's just waiting there, with his arms wide open, just wanting to hug you and comfort you and tell you, with all honesty, It's going to be okay.
It is going to be okay. People don't realize the power their words have. Physical and emotional pain are all brought on by people. NOT GOD. Listen to me: GOD DOES NOT WANT TO HURT YOU. That is all humans hurting you. It makes me so sad, that people think it's God hurting them. When a little boy gets hit by his daddy, was that God hitting him? No, that was human. When a girl gets teased by her friends, being told that she's not pretty enough, she's not smart enough, she's not good enough, is that God telling her that she's not good enough? No, that's human.
I struggle with this a lot. Self worth. I hate it, with a passion, when people tell me that I'm beautiful. By all means, tell me that my hair looks nice or that you like my shirt. But don't you dare tell me that I'm beautiful. Because it's not true. You're lying.
People get mad at me for thinking that. But honestly, I've spent my whole life telling myself that I'm not good enough. It's my comfort zone. When people tell me that I'm beautiful, or that I'm worth it, it makes me so uncomfortable.
So why am I sharing all this? Honestly, I don't know. I don't know why I'm typing all of this or why I'm letting anyone into my personal thoughts, but I am. I'm just hoping that by doing this, by writing, that I'll have a voice. Maybe I'll help someone? I don't know. I don't know why you read this. I don't know who reads this. I don't know. I don't know...
Please, if you get anything out of this blog, out of what I'm saying, please, please, contact me. I don't want to be aimlessly writing. Inbox me on facebook. Email me (xo_arial_xo@hotmail.com). Tell me why you read this. Because I want to have a voice. I don't want to quit.
Blessings, Ariel
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtEHU5bFbb4 watch this video, you are a treasure!]