Burn Out

You're not good enough. You deserved it. You can't do anything right. You need to do this for me. You're a slut. No one loves you. You're a failure. No one gives a crap about you. No one wants you here.
These were the thoughts running through my head tonight. And you know what? I believed every single one of them.
 I'm never good enough. Never. No matter how hard I try, I can't get it right. There's always something that someone can yell at me for.
I feel like I deserve to be punished. I deserve to be hurt. I deserve whatever bad things are/have happened to me. I deserve it.
No one loves you. I'm actually tearing up on this one. I don't have anything to say about this, it's self explanatory.
I feel like I can get a hundred percent on an assignment, and it's still not good enough. I can tell someone about something that happened that day, and I'm always in the wrong. I'm always a failure in the eyes of those around me.
When I'm upset about something, I know I need to talk to someone about it, but then I think, they don't care. No one gives a crap about my problems. Why would they? It's all pathetic stuff anyways, no one cares.
I'm ready to pick up and move out. Right now, I would have no problem with packing my stuff and leaving. I don't care, no one wants me here anyways. I can go somewhere that I will actually be wanted, appreciated and loved.
I'm always working. I am always freakin' working. I never get a freakin' break. Someone always wants me to do something for them. Whether it's chores, babysitting, cleaning, bake sales, work, help, whatever. I'm burnt out. I can't do it anymore. I can't, but I have no choice. I got myself into it. I don't know how my week fills up so quickly, how somehow by Tuesday, every single day is booked. Right now, I'm busy almost every single day in the following week. I never get a break.
I'm angry. I'm angry at the world, I'm angry at myself, I'm just angry. And for those of you who know me well, you know that when I'm angry, I'm aggressive. I'm such a freakin' aggressive person. When I'm pissed off, I want to listen to hardcore music. Give me August Burns Red, Disciple, Underoath, For Today, whatever. But don't you dare give me some bubble-gum-pop crap. I will rip your head off. If you know me well, you know that I love punching...people mostly. If I'm in a bad mood and you piss me off, my reflex is to punch you, hard. And it really has become a reflex. I need to punch something.
All at the same time, I need to go for a walk, cry, talk to someone, get out of the freakin' house, write. When I'm mad like this, I'm in a dangerous place. I was so mad today, just thinking, I started breathing so hard, my face got red, and I started washing the dishes at a very aggressive pace. I was just so mad, I just have to think about it. And that's the sign that I need to get out. But I can't. Like I said, I don't have any time to calm myself down, to compose myself. I have to do what everyone else wants me to do first, THEN I can take care of my own safety. It's sad when it gets to that point. Give me a break. Can you not see what's happening to me?
Another thing, if you ever think that you have the authority to tell me what to do, you better freakin' well think again. I am so tired of people telling me what to do. At work, my supervisor asks me to do whatever she needs done. At school, I'll listen to teachers. Why? Because it's their job to tell you what your job is. That's the way it's always worked. If my friends tell me what to do, you better bet that I'm going to do whatever the heck I want. If you tell me what to do, I will not listen to you. It's as simple as that. Don't tell me what to do. I'm tired of people treating me like an incompetent child. I'm fifteen. I organize bake sales, I raise money for people in need, I'm in a grade 11 course, I work instead of going to school because my course requires it, I work my butt off every single day of the week, I put other peoples needs before mine. If you think that I can't take care of myself, check again. If you think that I'm stupid, you better get over it. I'm done with being a door mat. I'm not someone you can just push around, so put that thought out of your head right now. I can take care of myself.
I'm going to crash, I'm going to burn out. I've worked so hard in the past months, it's all going to go down the drain if you don't start treating me properly or giving me a break every once in a while.
I know that if it wasn't for God, things would be so much different, and I thank him so much for everything he's allowed me to do. He is just awesome, and quite honestly, he's the only person I want to be with at this moment.
God bless,
Ariel